People in marriage often do not agree in their opinions and interests, expressing their disagreement in a heated quarrel or even a fight, the witnesses of which, at times, are children.
How to resolve disagreements with a child without making a source of child psychological trauma out of this?
Why is it necessary to control a conflict situation with a child?
Family scandals are an almost inevitable event. Disagreements between the two partners are the norm and, most often, resolved peacefully. But what if the spouses, at the time of the conflict, follow the emotions in front of the children?
Many parents absolutely do not think about their behavior in conflict situations. Quite often, the cause of emotional and regular disagreements in the family is the egoism of partners and their inability to constructively resolve conflicts.
For the model of family relations of the child to be successful, it is necessary to approach the clarification of relations with a partner from a rational point of view. The fact is that while cursing with children, parents form the norm of behavior in a specific situation, that is, in a quarrel. This rule applies not only to conflicts, but also to everything related to behavior in general: attitudes toward life, work, behavior in the family circle, and so on. In order for the child in his future not to experience difficulties in resolving disagreements with his partner, you should show him an example of a normal and healthy dialogue in case of disagreement with the spouse.
Another reason to start taking control of the conflict is the formation of a child’s distrust of the world as a whole. Children who regularly are unwitting witnesses to vivid scandals that lead to nothing and causeless, sooner or later stop believing in friendship, love, loyalty. Such a child gets used to constantly sorting out relationships and in the future considers it the norm to fill up free time with a partner not with a soulful conversation, but with a scandal. These children, in the future, rarely trust people, and especially their soul mates, which minimizes the possibility of a happy and long marriage.
Why should not swear at children?
Uncontrolled, regular and emotional scandals in the presence of children can be fraught not only with a child’s distrust of the world and a disrupted behavior model, but also bring a lot of unpleasant psychological trauma and consequences. In children who become involuntary witnesses of conflicts and assault in the family, the following consequences are observed:
• Psychological trauma
The human psyche is unstable until adulthood. Scandals, abuse, fights and other vivid negative pictures can lead to a violation of the psyche of the child. Children's psychological trauma is fraught with a lifelong sensation of negative emotions: anxiety, fear, guilt and self-doubt, as well as people with mental deformities in childhood, are prone to addictions: drug and alcohol addiction, smoking. Moreover, against the background of a violation of the child’s mental state, neurosis and inability to tolerate stress develop.
• Violation of the emotional sphere
Having witnessed a parental quarrel or fight, the child experiences a lot of negative emotions, such as fear, helplessness, guilt, anxiety, anger. Finding a child every day in such an emotional state often leads to the fact that, growing up, the child does not gain the ability to see the beauty of the world and experience the joy of every day lived. Such people react pessimistically to all events in life, and consider a constant feeling of negative emotions to be the norm.
• Deviant behavior
By copying parents who are always cursing, or vice versa, protesting family disagreements, a child may exhibit behavior that is not approved by society. The so-called "difficult" children in the embryo of their actions bear imitation or rejection of family dysfunction.
• Lag in development
Parents who are regularly engaged in finding out relationships often simply do not engage in child development. But the main reason for the mental retardation of the child, who witnessed repeated quarrels, lies in the fact that, with a sense of anxiety and fear, the children's psyche is incapable of analyzing new information and further development.
• Constant guilt
In conflicts of parents, children involuntarily blame themselves. Formed guilt is fraught in the future to develop into self-dislike and prolonged depression.
• Hatred of one of the parents
Feeling of hatred often occurs to the father. Even if the father of the child did not start a scandal and is innocent of anything, in the eyes of the child he will still be more aggressive and meaner than the mother, who often seems to the baby defenseless and fragile.
• Gender discrimination
The consequence is rare, but serious. Children with hidden and sometimes unconscious hatred of one of their parents, growing up, have difficulty communicating with the sex of their unloved parent. They are in every possible way removed, afraid, dislike.
To avoid such consequences, you should eliminate errors in your own behavior and learn how to correctly overcome the conflict situation.
How to correctly get out of the conflict without harm to the child?
So how to behave in a conflict with a child? By following these guidelines, you can avoid the terrible consequences of a showdown:
• Refuse to raise or lower the tone of the voice
A scream during a quarrel does not contribute to a better communication of information to a partner, but the attention of the child attracts. Moreover, cries provoke a child's sense of fear and anxiety. Whispering behind the door is not a good idea either. No matter how sometimes adults do not want to hide conflicts, children will still hear passages, suspect something is amiss, and will react to their emotional state. Cursing in a whisper, parents instill a sense of guilt in the child and destroy the feeling of security.
• Keep calm
Often conflicts are accompanied by a vivid demonstration of emotions: beating dishes, fighting, threats to household items and others. But an adult is quite capable of pulling himself together and at least creating an illusion of calm for some time, that is, to demonstrate to the child: "This is just a regular disagreement, which we will calmly discuss and make a decision together."
• Refuse obscene language
Scolding does not carry a semantic load, but the children learn new words, so you should abandon foul language.
• Avoid protracted conflict
No need to demonstrate their ability to withstand anger and resentment. The task of parents: to teach the child as soon as possible to abandon negative emotions and quickly get out of the conflict.
• Refuse to bring a child into conflict
It is not necessary to involve the child in a quarrel, asking his opinion on a particular issue, forcing him to side with his mother or father. The child should be in a neutral position. It must be explained that Mom and Dad love him equally, and the disagreement between them is not a reason to choose someone else's side.
• Concealment of quarrels
Building an ideal family, going out to have a fight in a cafe is not an option. The child should know that disagreements in the family are the norm and you need to be able to correctly resolve them. Hiding disagreements, parents do not protect the child from unpleasant situations in his life, from which he will need to be able to look for a way out.
• Reconciliation
Each quarrel must end with a mutual apology.
In conclusion, it should be noted that conflicts in the family must be resolved competently so as not to harm your child.
